Praying

Growing up Catholic, they teach a lot of recited prayers. The prayers are always good, but as a child, I never understood what I was praying for. When I started visiting other churches, I’d get overwhelmed when I’d hear other people pray. There would be a time for prayer requests and right there, on the spot, someone would put together this fabulous sounding prayer that had real meaning. I wanted to learn to pray like that!
Learning to pray a prayer that had real meaning was very difficult for me. It still is today. Before I am able to pray a prayer I am comfortable with, I have to pray that God gives me the words for my prayer. Then I have to wait for Him to follow through. Usually what happens next is a flood gate is opened with words that have hope and meaning. I end up having to pick the right ones and form them into sentences.
In the beginning, it felt so weird to pray. I was praying because I was desperate and I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know how to deal with the situations going on in my life. I didn’t know how to get over it because there was no way I was able to get closure. All my life, I’ve always been able to gain closure when needed. Closure is vital for moving on and over coming things. But in this one situation, I was not allowed closure. I was beginning to get angry and that anger was starting to consume me. I wasn’t going to let that happen.
I started talking to a friend about it. She told me about how she has prayed to God to take the anger out of her heart. I didn’t think that was going to help, but I was so desperate, I gave it a shot. Anytime I could feel the rage come out of the woodworks, I’d pray over and over for God to take it away. I’d beg him, “Please, God, take these feelings away.” To my surprise, it helped.
But of course, the feelings would come back at another time. So I’d pray, “Please, God, take these feelings away.” Over and over and over, until the feelings started to lift. As days went on, I didn’t have to say the prayers so often.
As days turned into weeks, I decided to stop asking God to take my anger away. Instead, I made the choice to pray blessings upon the person who my anger was directed at. I’d pray I’d be able to forgive them. I’d pray they’d find happiness. I’d pray they would feel love. Once I started praying for them and not for me, my anger disappeared a lot quicker. The things I pray for, really are things I want. I don’t have to be the one they find happiness with. They don’t have to feel love from me. But I want them to find love and happiness with others. If they do find love and happiness with me, that’s great! But I am now able to accept that it might not be me they find those feelings with and I am now in a place where I can be okay with that.
Over the months, I have gotten more comfortable with praying. It’s becoming more natural to me. It still takes a long time for me to find the right words. But I am grateful when God gives the words to me.