Mom’s Night Out

For Mother’s day, my daughter wanted to take me to see the movie Mom’s Night Out. I loved this movie. It’s about a mom who is at her whit’s end. She has the life she always dreamed of, but for some reason, is not happy. Most of us moms have been there at some point. Before I had children, I had a list of things I couldn’t wait to do with my kids as a family. That dream was crushed when my son was diagnosed with autism. Only, I didn’t realize it right away.
Doctors, therapists, social workers, family members and friends all told me early intervention was the key. “Do the intervention and everything will be fine.” they said. But so far, that has not been our reality. After his diagnosis, I focused on his therapy sessions. I believed if I focused on his therapy, one day, everything would be fine and I’d have the family I had always dreamed of.  
I reached my breaking point shortly after we moved out of our home state. For a while after we moved there, most people didn’t know my name. They’d call me Desiree’s mom or Chris’ mom, or they’d call me by my last name. I woke up one day and I didn’t know who I was anymore. Everything I liked was because one of my kids liked it. Everything I did was because my kids wanted to do it. I couldn’t think of anything I liked that was just mine and no one else’s. I began to feel like I didn’t have any identity other than that of “mom” and “wife.”
I knew that because I had a special needs child I wasn’t going to be able to do the things I had always dreamed of doing with my family. I also knew I couldn’t go on feeling the way I was feeling. I had to re-define myself and my ideas of how a family spends time together. I had to find new interests. Most importantly, I had to find interests that included children with special needs.
I looked up different events going on around town and attended the ones we could. I attended more events at our church. I did some volunteer work at my kids’ school. I volunteered at the local animal shelter. Shortly after the birth of my 3rd child, I joined a mom’s group. That was probably the best thing I did for myself, because there were always new members looking for new friends. I started attending mom’s night out events. It felt fabulous to get away and have my own identity even if it was for a short time. I was trying to re-invent myself and had no idea what my likes and dis-likes were. I did as much as I could in an effort to figure out who the “new me” was.
Back to the movie. The mom was spending so much time beating herself up because she couldn’t keep up with the world around her, she was making herself miserable. The mom in the movie hadn’t gone out in ages because she felt so guilty about leaving her kids. She felt so bad that her house wasn’t clean all the time. She sacrifice her sleep to clean the house before the kids woke up. Why do us moms do that to ourselves? Even in an air plane they tell you in an emergency, put the oxygen mask on yourself first THEN put the oxygen mask on your child. You can’t safe your child’s life if you are dead because you didn’t take the time to put your own mask on first. It’s so important that us moms learn to give ourselves the time to take care of ourselves without feeling guilty. It’s so important we put our oxygen masks on first.

11 Things Autism has Taught Me

My middle child is 10 years old and has classic autism. He will not speak, he could if he wanted to, but as of yet, he has no desire to utter a word. He is dependent on us for everything. Imagine an 18 month old in a 10 year olds’ body. There are a lot of reasons for me to allow myself to let his autism get the best of me and make me miserable. I choose not to allow that to happen. In the beginning, it was hard. I fought every single day to find happiness. I made myself get super excited about something that seemed so small. It was a lot of effort on my own part. I was determined to not allow this to make me a bitter person. So here is a list of things Autism has taught me.

1. Autism has taught me how to find joy in life. I take pride in the smallest achievement. I focus on the things he can do. I focus on his happiness.
2. Autism has taught me to appreciate what I have. I’ve learned that any house in any location can be made into a home if you make the choice to allow it. Friends will be there for you when life circumstances has separated you from family members. The key is, it is up to you to put yourself out there and make yourself known.
3. Autism has taught me to accept that which I cannot control. As I stated before, my son is dependent on us for everything. One day, we aren’t going to be here to care for him. My support group is made up of adults. Chris is going to outlive everyone in my support group. Who’s going to take care of him then? I can make arrangements for him to receive care, but when I’m gone, I won’t have any control over the quality of care he receives.
4. Autism has taught me to accept kindness from others. People have seen Chris in public places and have offered a word of praise. Most times, these are people who also have children with autism.
5. Autism has taught me to be stronger. My son doesn’t speak. I have to be his voice. If someone mistreats him, I have to speak up for him. I have also learned how strong other people can be.
6. Autism has taught me to see love in different ways. My son can’t say, “I love you mom.” But he can show me he loves me. A quick tap on the shoulder is a sign of affection from my son.
7. Autism has taught me to be patient.
8. Autism has taught me that a lot of people are caring and have the desire to understand. It has also taught me that some people don’t care nor do they have the desire to understand.
9. Autism has taught me to have a conversation with someone only using body language.
10. Autism has taught me to accept other people’s opinions better. Because he is non-verbal, I have no clue what Chris’ opinion about anything really is.
11. Autism has taught me to learn to give myself a break. When you’re trying to get your autistic child to do something, it can be very frustrating. The child gets frustrated when they don’t understand what they are doing or why they are doing it. You get frustrated because you know they could do the task at hand. You eventually reach a level of frustration where nothing is going to get accomplished and the best thing to do is step back and take a break.

These are just a few of the things I have learned on my journey with autism. I imagine there is so much more I have to learn. If you have a loved one with autism, or any other disability, what have you learned?

Why are you fighting?

Why do people fight? Is it because they are trying to stand up for something that is noble? Are they fighting because someone hurt someone else they love? Are they fighting to protect their own selfish ego, maybe they fight to protect someone else’s selfish ego?
There are many reasons people fight. I won’t fight to protect a person’s ego. In my experiences, a person fights to protect their ego when they have done something they don’t want to be held accountable for. When you fight to protect someone’s ego, you are only enabling their behavior; therefore you are adding to the problem. You are giving them permission to act that way again.
About a year ago, I lost a friendship because I refused to fight to protect someone’s ego. I wasn’t going to sweep the problem under the rug and pretend nothing had happened. I tried to confront her about the problem but she got angry. Looking back, I can recognize the time where I should have just let it go and walked away. But that isn’t what I did. I tried to have a conversation with her about the problem, but she wanted to shut me out. She wanted to be in control of the conversation and use the time to speak but not take any time to listen. I used the internet and social media to confront her when she tried to control the situation by shutting me out. She had no intentions of dealing with the issue and nothing I did was going to make her change her mind. Now I know I should have accepted that, walked away, and moved on.
Today I have moved on. I’m sorry that our friendship will never be what it once was or what it could have been. I’m grateful for the doors that have opened up to me in the past year. I pray daily that she will find whatever it is in life that she is looking for. I pray for her relationships with others and with her family. I pray she finds someone she is willing to fight to keep in her life when times get tough. After all, what kind of relationship is it if you don’t have the desire to fight to keep it alive?

Making Changes

In the beginning, I wasn’t looking for God. I started going to church because my daughter wanted to go and I wanted to raise her with good morals and strong values. I believed raising her in church would accomplish that goal. I researched different churches, trying to find one suitable for our family. It was really important to me that the church catered to children. It was my daughter who wanted to go and I was determined to make sure her experience was a good one.
We found a church that seemed to suit our needs. There were some things about that church I didn’t like, but there was more positives than negatives so we stayed at that church. Besides, my daughter loved it. We didn’t always make it a point to go every Sunday. It seemed to be if we were all awake and dressed, then we’d go.
I didn’t particularly care to learn about God at the time, but I was hearing things that made me think about myself and what kind of person I was and what kind of person I wanted to be. I was developing a better understanding of the roles God had intended for us as a family unit.
I realize I am probably going to get some negative feedback on what I am about to say. I hope you can read the next few sentences and accept that this is working for me in my marriage and regardless of what anyone thinks or says, I am going to continue doing what works for my marriage.
I started to understand what it really means when a wife submits to her husband. I don’t know how to explain the true meaning to someone else. But I think it only works if you are with the right person.  It was hard, so very hard, but I started to try to allow my husband to take on more of a leadership role in our home. I tried to take on more of a care taker role in our household. It took a long time for me to feel comfortable to this change. I spent a lot of time in the beginning reminding myself that I chose to marry this man. I should be able to trust him to make decisions for us. It took a while, but as it became more natural to me, I could see the improvement in my marriage.
I became inspired, I started thinking, since this worked, I’m going to try other things I learn in church to see what changes happen in my life. Every time I did something the way the church said; the way God intended it to be, my life changed for the better. Years went by and I still wasn’t really looking for God, I was looking to have a happier family and make myself a better person. The changes didn’t happen over night. It was a long, slow process. Sometimes, I would fail, so I’d try harder next time. I continued making changes in myself and the way I viewed things. I’d stick with one area of my life to avoid getting overwhelmed. Somewhere along the way, I happened to find God. Now it’s getting easier for me to make the choices to live a life the way God intended. From my own experience, there are definitely benefits. 

Random Acts of Kindness

Each and every one of us has a different perspective on life. One thing I have learned is that people are going to believe whatever they want to believe. Our brains can come up with the most outrageous version of what we think the truth is and we can find ways to justify our thoughts. Why is one person’s perception so different from someone else’s? I think people believe what they need to believe in order to justify their own actions.
There once was a time where my mind was trying to tell me the story and I was not focused on reality. I regret that I listened to my mind and not what was real. I knew my mind could have been wrong, so I chose to proceed with caution. I didn’t want to miss out on a great opportunity if my mind was going to be wrong.
It was earlier this school year. My middle son, C.J., is 10 years old. He is severely autistic and is non-verbal. The other 10 year olds at his school were going on a field trip. They were going to go camping for 4 days. The school staff and the staff at the camping site really wanted Chris to go. They offered to cover the cost of the field trip so my family would not have to endure any of the expenses.
While we were on the field trip, we did a lot of hiking. Several times during the hike, we’d stop, gather in a group, and the tour guide would teach the kids some relative information about the things that surrounded us. C.J. did not want to sit still for very long and he let his opinion be known to all of us. I’d let him get up and walk around so he wasn’t much of a distraction to the other kids who were trying to learn.
During one of the hikes, they taught the kids to build a fire using sticks and rocks. They split the kids into groups and each group of kids worked together to make their own fire using the sticks and rocks. Of course, each group had an adult helping them too. One of the dad’s came over to my son and me and said he wanted C.J. to have the full experience of the camp, even if it appeared he wasn’t paying any attention. This man sat down with C.J. gathered some sticks, mulch and a few other things and started to make a site for a small fire. He spent time trying to keep C.J. focused on what he was doing. After so much effort, he got the fire going. C.J., being autistic, didn’t have much of a reaction to the flame. He briefly enjoyed the heat, and the color of the fire, but that was about it.
After that, we continued to hike down the trail. We stopped again and the tour guide talked about how cavemen made shelter using logs. There were logs all around us and they asked the kids to make a small shelter using the logs. Again this man helped my son and me. My son lost interest in this activity pretty quickly. He wasn’t to impressed with hauling logs from one place to another. We got the shelter built, but ours was small because of my son’s lack of interest. The other kids were having a great time and did a great deal of work building their shelter. My son wanted to do his own thing, so I let him wander around a bit while the kids were finishing up their work.
While the kids were finishing, this man got a branch off the ground, took a knife out of his pocket and started to whittle. He told me how he loves to make walking sticks and will often carve animal shapes into the top of the walking stick. He wanted to carve a stick for my son.
C.J. and I ended up having to leave the field trip a day early. We left before the man had finished carving the walking stick for my son. After the field trip ended, this man found my phone number in the school’s PTA directory and called me. He had finished the walking stick but we had to leave before he could give it to us. He had tried leaving the walking stick at the school for my son, but the school wouldn’t allow it because the walking stick could be used as a weapon. He really wanted my son to have the stick and hoped we could all meet somewhere so he could give it to my child. My family met him at my daughter’s school football game. He gave us the walking stick, said hi to Chris and we never heard from him again.
This man was so nice to my son and me, but the whole time I felt extremely uncomfortable. My brain wanted to make up a story, telling me he had an ulterior motive behind his kindness. But he didn’t. He really just wanted to do a nice thing for my son. It was nothing more than that. Why is it so hard for us to believe that some people really just want to be nice to us. Why is it so hard for us to accept the generosity of strangers? Why are we so quick to let our minds tell the story? Why do we jump to conclusions and make assumptions about another person’s motive? I feel guilty that I judged this man’s actions, but I am thankful that even though I was cautious, I gave him the chance to show me what his true motives were. I learned a lesson that day. It is better to continue in these uncomfortable situations with caution than it is to shut these kind of people out because your brain tells you a story that is different than reality.
Lord, I pray you will allow us to accept the generosity of others, including strangers, without fear. I thank you for giving me the strength to proceed with caution that day to allow this good deed be done. I pray that one day, I will have the courage to offer kindness to a stranger the way that man offered kindness to my son.
I keep the song, Open up Your Eyes by Tonic on my phone as a reminder to not let my mind tell the story here.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lDIJjnCHco

Choices

Why do we make the choices we make? I believe it is our own choices that determine the outcome of our happiness. Not too long ago, God gave me a glimpse of myself, that revealed to me why I have made so many of the choices I did in my life. I was driving in the car after dropping the kids off at school. God usually spends time working on my heart during those few minutes where I am by myself. As I was driving along, not really thinking about anything, out of the blue God sent me a reminder to show me who I am. The reminder was this:

When it comes to home ownership, the idea of buying a run down, fixer upper type home and doing the renovations to build something even more beautiful is so much more appealing than buying a brand new home.

You might be thinking, “So what?”
In my life, I’ve always made the choice to do things the hard way. I can’t count how many times people would tell me, “This way would be easier.” I didn’t care. I wanted to put forth the effort to do it the way that was more difficult. I never knew why, it just seemed more appealing to me. I guess that’s just who I am. Once God made me understand just how much that meant to me, I began to understand why I made so many of the choices I had made in my life.
Knowing this tidbit of information about myself makes me feel like many aspects of my life make sense. Including the choices I had made in some of my relationships. Why there was such a big struggle in my marriage. It’s because God knew I needed that time to renovate my marriage in order to find my happiness. Luckily, God protected me throughout my life, not only by keeping me strong. He did a pretty good job of giving me people who were willing to go through the struggle with me. I am thankful to have this understanding of myself and to know why I make the choices I make.
Also, I am now able to realize when it is time to let go. Sometimes God put people in my life that didn’t want to go through the struggle. I didn’t understand why. Now I know I don’t need to understand why. I know that God either has something else in store for them, or it just isn’t the right time. I know I don’t have to force my ways on them because if it is in God’s will, it will happen, God will find a way.

My Bible

This is my bible. You can see it’s been used. I’ve never read it all the way through. It’s something I use for reference in life when I don’t know what to do or where to turn. Every couple of pages, there are devotionals to help you have a better understanding of the bible verses. In the back, there is a subject index which I have referred to during difficult times.

Anytime I have a problem I don’t know how to deal with, I turn to the subject index. From there it takes me to devotionals and Bible verses that give me instruction on what to do to help myself over come whatever it is I am dealing with at the time. It has been a huge tool for me throughout the years.
Today I have added a few apps to my phone that I use for reference. I have a bible app on my phone. I have the Jesus Calling app on my iPod and I have a devotional app on my phone. I look at the devotional app on my phone the most. Two devotionals per day, one in the morning and one in the evening. Very inspirations and extremely helpful. Especially fun are times when the random devotionals match up with what is going on in my life at that time.