Faith

Recently, my husband shared his testimony with our Life Group class at church. In his testimony, he discussed some of the issues we had in our marriage. He shared with the class that at one point, I wanted out of the marriage. He talked about how he felt when he learned I had stayed in the marriage based on a voice I heard in my head. The voice was not my own. I argued with the voice. I told the voice it was wrong. However; I chose to listen to the voice.

At some point in his testimony, a woman in the class asked where my faith was during this time in our marriage. She wanted to know if my faith in God was strong during our troubles. I've been thinking about the answer to that question ever since that day.

I did hear a voice telling me to stay in my marriage. Yes, I listened to the voice. But did I know that was the voice of God? Did I trust the voice?

At the time, I certainly did not think it was God. I didn't fully trust the promises the voice was making to me. But I wanted to believe that the voice was true. For whatever reason, I don't know why, I chose to give the voice a chance. I stayed.

But I was only physically in the marriage. Mentally, I was somewhere else. I was in limbo. Things in our marriage seemed to be slowly getting better, but the progress was slow. There were many times where it felt we'd take two steps forward and then three steps back. We were on a vicious cycle that seemed never ending.

A little over a year and a half ago, I had had enough. I remember sitting on the bathroom floor, screaming at God. What's funny was at this point, I still didn't fully believe it was God that had told me to stay. But it seemed like God was the best one for me to lash my anger out to. I screamed to him that I was done with this marriage. I was done waiting for Him to fulfill his promise that everything was going to get better.

It wasn't long after that an event happened in our life. Someone lashed out at us and we began to lash back. I associate that lashing out as a great turning point in my marriage. That was when big changes started to happen in our marriage. Things started to change so quickly for us, it was overwhelming, but in a good way. It wasn't until things began to change that I realized it was God who had been telling me to stay in my marriage all those years.

Since that event that took place a little over a year ago, I have been able to see God working in my life. My husband and I are on the same page with many of our decisions. The event that took place was a tragic one. It forced us to close doors to some of our relationships. We needed to take time to grow, time to gain wisdom and better ourselves. We are still learning today. Some of the doors we closed cannot remain closed forever. Opening those doors is a scary thought, but it is something that can't be avoided forever. I'm scared of going back to old habits. I like the path I am on right now. I want to show others that things can change. Some people do have the ability to change. But you have to be willing to see the change. And you have to allow the time it takes to change. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a horrific event to cause someone to want to change. Change does not happen overnight. It takes time, a long time. But it is possible in some instances.

Where was my faith all that time during my marriage? I guess the best way to answer that question would be, I knew God was in the room, but I didn't know who He was. Kind of like the kid that sat behind you in science class. You know the kid sits there, but you have no clue who he is. I think that has been my relationship with God for a big chunk of my life. Always in the room, but a complete stranger to me.

There was a brief time in my life where I kicked Him out of the the room, but it was short lived. Ironically, it was when my husband came into my life that I allowed God back into the room. But again, I didn't know who God was until much later.

My faith today is new. Less than a year old. But it is getting stronger and stronger each day. I'm thankful for the changes that have happened in my life and I look forward to the challenges the future holds now that I know God.